Living with a partner who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder - My Story
I met my partner in 1997. I realise now, (unfortuntely for me, not until many years later), that I was perfect fodder for an exploitative narcissistic predator. I had been adopted as an infant and as with many adoptees, had never fully got over that initial rejection, or really believed the over-used explanation that I had been given up by my birth mother out of love and her wish for the best for me. I had a difficult and insecure adoption into a religious household, where my father, (a minister, who was almost certainly a narcissist himself), further 'trained' me that if one loved someone, one would give anything and ask for nothing in return. 'Turn the other cheek'. My adoptive parents put me in Care when I was 15 because I had started taking an interest in boys and out of my misery, I ran away from home. They had adopted another girl as an infant, 3 years my senior, who they favoured and who has since developed manic depression. I have had to cope with, and accept all sorts of bizarre and cruel behaviour from her over the last 20 years or so, whilst still trying to maintain a loving relationship with her.
After being returned home from Care, I was threatened with being sent away again, so I married, (unwisely), at 17 and had two children. It was a miserable marriage, fraught with infidelity on my husband's side, which my father told me was my fault as I obviously hadn't fulfilled my husband's needs. We were divorced. I then struck up a relationship with the son of a friend of my father who systematically beat me up, but once again my father concluded that it must have been my fault and that I had somehow 'driven' him to it.
I then remarried and had 4 more children and for reasons that are hard to explain here, that marriage failed, although we remained good friends, as we have been ever since. I was, from then, on my own with my children and going to college pursuing study leading to a law degree, and life was reasonably OK.
Then various disasters struck. There was firstly, an unexpected family trauma, followed closely by one of my children having a very bad accident, skiing with her school, suffering a major head and brain injury. Following a coma and her final return home, her care fell to me, (willingly taken on, of course). My previous life and study had to be abandoned and life was very difficult for many years. I became isolated, very lonely and further 'conditioned' to love in the face of aggression and abuse. (I should say here that my child was seriously damaged and could not help these behaviours and are only mentioned here by way of an explanation as to how I was so vulnerable to a predator such as I met.)
Then I met this man, who appeared sincere, charming, kind and thoughtful. Someone who apparantly wanted to help and who apparantly understood how lonely and isolated I'd been. He talked tearfully of his own losses, his father's death when he was 17 and his mother's apparant abandonment of him after she'd remarried and he didn't get on with his step-father. The abandonment seemed very close to my heart, (as he knew it would), and I agreed to help him all I could with setting up his business idea. He had no money, but convinced me that with my help he could, at last, fulfill his potential - he just needed someone to believe in him. I didn't discover until years later that the estrangement with his mother had been over money she had entrusted to his care which he'd used for himself. He had also attacked his mother when his theft came to light. It never occurred to me that his eye was on my house that I owned or the large compensation claim we had pending for the accident. He initially built me up, made me feel worthwhile, attractive, intelligent and loveable. I fell head over heels for him and in a very short time could not imagine going back to my life without him.
Once he had achieved his conquest of me, shocking and strange things began to happen. He joked that we should send my children away on a skiing holiday for Christmas so that we'd get a few months to ourselves. (Reference to my child being in a coma following her accident). When, far from finding this funny, I burst into tears, he banged the table violently and walked out, telling me I was a nutter. I asked myself 'Am I too sensitive - was that funny?'. Incidents like this started to undermine my instincts as to what was right and wrong. Other incidents included him punching holes through doors, attacking me and my son and emotional and verbal abuse. He told me it was my fault and everyone else in his life thought he was wonderful and he only had this trouble with me. Far from running away as fast as possible in the opposite direction, I thought, 'here is this apparantly wonderful man - it must be me'. (Echoes of my father). I must love more, give more and never criticize'. My personal boundaries had been well and truly breached.
He had managed to convince me that I was very lucky to be with him, that he was exceptionally clever and any mishaps he'd had in the past were due to other people who were stupid. He swung between calling me stupid and occasional lavish praise. He would build me up just to knock me down again. There were many occasions where I felt I had done my best and without warning I would suffer a torrent of abuse. He often treated me like a child and kept me in a state of uncertainty and unable to be sure of how to gain his approval. His approval was, in the end, the main objective that I tried to achieve. The goal posts kept changing and it became increasingly difficult to gain. He became more and more cruel and then without warning he would cuddle me and ask me to tell him how much I loved him. I was rendered totally confused, belittled and derailed.
Once he'd got me completely in his spell, he criticised my friends, family and life and somehow managed to separate me from relationships, common sense, money and all my time - working to help him. He managed to get me to support his business ideas, financially and practically. He took no responsibility financially and if I ever criticised him he would punish me by attacking me physically or emotionally, or he would leave for days/weeks at a time and I would have no idea where he was. He would get friends to lie for him. He told friends lies about me, telling them that I was running up debts he couldn't cope with, (even though it was the other way round!), and that I was an alcoholic and anything else he could think of to gain sympathy from his unsuspecting friends. He carefully kept his life compartmentalised. I very rarely met friends or family. I realise now that he was afraid the truth would emerge. His control was to divide and rule. They would phone his mobile, never the house phone which I might answer. He told lies to me to drive me further into a state of misery.
Through an avalanche of abuse, where he created a mirage that his approval was all I needed and his disapproval and anger was to be avoided at all costs, he managed to fleece me of my integrity, my personality, my self-confidence, my sense of self-worth and my entire financial security.
This year, after his business ideas and aspirations had led to me being in massive debt, I finally went bankrupt. I had supported him for nearly 10 years. He is now, finally earning a very good salary, but he has no intention of looking after me. Now that I am of absolutely no use to him anymore he has totally abandoned me. I no longer own my own home, (which I have done since I was 20), I have no money, no husband, no love or hugs - and very little faith left in my ability to assess people's characters. Simply nothing. He, of course, doesn't care at all - I'm dispensible and have been discarded.
This is the shocking truth of the Narcissist.
Sadly the personal abuse doesn't end with me. He has effectively stolen financially from my children, has broken numerous promises to them that he would support me now that I have no means of support left, had been a step father to them for 10 years and now walks away without a backward glance. He had been step father to one of my children for more than half her life and has totally abandoned her too. I now suffer the incredible guilt of allowing this evil predator into our lives and endlessly questioning myself how it could have happened.
If it hadn't been for my family's support and love, I very much doubt I could have survived this.
|