Narcissistic Personality Disorder

How can I recognise that my partner has it?
Apart from the fact that you feel used, abused, confused and unable to explain to yourself how you ever got into this situation, there are criteria now well established.
Most Narcissists are male, but not exclusively. We use 'he' here, but could apply to either gender.

• Feels grandiose and self-important - demands to be recognised as superior.
• Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, particularly financial.
• Firmly convinced that he is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people.
• Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared.
• Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his unreasonable expectations for special and favourable priority treatment.
• Is interpersonally exploitative and uses others to achieve his own ends.
• Will try to separate you from your own beliefs and reality, including criticising and distancing you from your friends and family.
• Will feign emotion to convince those around him of his genuineness and humanity. Will tell lies about you to gain sympathy, support and supply from others.
• Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others. He really doesn't care.
• Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his frustration.
• Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible.
• Unable to take any responsibility for failures and convinces others they are to blame.
• Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he considers inferior to him and unworthy.
• Cunning and a liar. You will never know exactly what is true and what is not.
• Will feign no memory in order to extricate himself from accountability.
• Sadistic behaviour in terms of emotional exploitation and physical abuse.
• He initially appears to be our soulmate but is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his 'idealization' of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His discarded victims suffer emotional and financial devastation.
• The Narcissist agrees to anything then turns around and does the opposite. Contracts such as Marriage, Legal, Custody agreements, normal social/personal protocol are meaningless to him.

If any three of the above criteria apply to your partner, you have probably been living with a Narcissist. You have not been a person to him, just a means to an end. This knowledge is incredibly difficult to come to terms with. You have been the source of his Narcissistic supply, including:- admiration, financial, work, sexual, personal. Once he has taken what he needs, or if you have had the audacity to challenge him by refusing something or needing him to fulfill a need in you, you will be kicked to the curb and abandoned without so much as a backward glance or prick of his conscience. He doesn't have one.

If you feel you could share your experience with others please contact us so that we can post your story on the site. We obviously don't publish any personal details of email address etc..

We are hoping to set up a network of self-help group meetings for survivors, so it would be useful to know the town you live in and we'll keep you posted.